Monday, April 30, 2007

Sugar Daddy vs. Fucking Loser

***ATTENTION*** LOSERS! Did you know that in spite of being fabulous, intelligent, wealthy and successful, some men find it necessary to use a dating service to meet arm candy?

If you are easily offended, do not click on the image for a larger view!

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Friday, April 27, 2007

Planet Manola: Strap On!

Random news, commentary and photographs. Updated at least once every menstrual cycle, if not more frequently.

strap on apply directly to the hoochie Don't laugh! Absolutely adorable Anna from across the pond knows that sex toys aren't always the key to happiness!


It's official! Sex and the Beach has crossed over into six digits, receiving 100,000 page loads this afternoon! Eh, seriously, who cares? What's 100K when some jackass jerking off at internet porn produces up to 500 million sperm?

So in honor of this momentous non-ejaculatory event, I'd like to ponder the following questions:

1. Would Rainman count each and every sperm?

2. What if fertility clinics had Technorati rankings? "Over 71 million sperm, some of them have to be good."

3. Can "sorry, I'm allergic to your sperm" be a good break-up line?

4. We know sperm is vegan but is a strap-on kosher?

5. Will insurance companies cover repetitive stain injuries on a fluffer?


Speaking of fluff, huff and puff, there's a new kid in town: South Beach Man Whore just started blogging about his sex life in HoBe, which I sorely needed to live vicariously, since HoBe Boobette, one of my dearest hos, found true love and moved to Hollywood, California. Move over, Adam Carolla: I see White Dade and Man Whore hosting the HoBe Man Show!


zOMG, would this be Manola's kid or what? Such chutzpah at a tender age!

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Thursday, April 26, 2007

Planet Manola: Jealous Bitch!

Random news, commentary and photographs. Updated at least once every menstrual cycle, if not more frequently.

33139 is a culturally sophisticated neighborhood, look it: little red riding ho and bladder bro piss the night away in mojitoville!


zOMG! I got my first hate comment! So exciting! You know, you're not famous until someone hates you, so I guess Manola is honest-to-goodness famous now. And you know what? Since Manola is the semi-fictional fabricated voice of a persona created by the author of this blog with the intention of producing humorous yet thoughtful content, it really doesn't matter a rodent's rump what anyone who hasn't bothered to read all 207 posts thinks.

Ah ha! How exciting is it to be labeled as a vapid celebrity-mongering bimbo when your author is a professional wily wordsmith who doesn't give a shit about Miami?

Yeah, buildings, schmildings! Why would an award-winning published poet and rogue cartoonist who practices yoga give a shit about her community? Well, as Paris Hilton would say, "that's so hot!"

zOMG but wait, somebody's paying Manola to blog about crap! Yeah, that's right! She couldn't possibly be serious, could she? She gets paid to write!


And what's more, who cares about anyone's sour grapes when you hold top Googlegasms for monster clitoris? That's 1OOK page loads for the most random search engine requests like "ay papi" and "shit stain thong" in less than six months!

Because you know, returning visitors don't nearly excite my IP as much as you random sicko psycho fuckheads who land here as a result of your pornographic proclivities. Seriously, I write for no reason at all! Let the great bunghole vacuum of inane literature live long and persist! Let me never publish a serious word that could possibly be redeeming to another human being again! I shall wallow in my B CUP BOOBS and lusty vocabulary for all time! Oh my! Oh my!

(Seriously, Coconut Grove Grapevine is my favorite blog about one of my favorite places on earth. Rock on, CGG! Also on the neighborhood watchdog radar: Verticus, Transit, Boom or Bust and of course, SToP as well as CM. Oh and let me not forget that special someone who gives a shit and talks it too. Ay papi! I wish I could channel Charo right now. Que rico all those Miami blogs and many others not mentioned here besides!)


The fabulous Commission On The Status of Women (PDF) held a peaceful march on Lincoln Road this past Tuesday. Manola -- who clearly only cares about celebrities kissing on the beach -- sported a fugly red blouse, marched on and conversed with commissioner Matti Herrera-Bower. Did you know competent, intelligent women are still being jilted out of fair salaries? What's more: Latinas and black women get slashed just because! Pissed off enough yet? I am and I don't even work at a rock pile!


zOMG! Move over Manolo Blahniks, Twitter is the new twat, trust me. Look it, if you're reading this, you're already sucked into web 2.0, so take it to the next level! Get Twitter'd NOW!

Piss photograph courtesy of the fantastic Chuck meister photographer of my dreams! Commissioner Matti captured by locarbhiflavor.

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Monday, April 23, 2007

Tender Is The Surf

Christian Slater and hot gal pal were caught smooching on the beach this weekend.

Oh my, I hope that's not an abscess in your mouth!

Aw shucks, so tender ...

Photography courtesy of Mavrix Chatter. Copyright Mavrix Photo, Inc.

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Saturday, April 21, 2007

Sexy Beach Chick Boudoir Portrait

samba jalepeno boudoir portrait

"Today my mommy was cleaning the bedroom and she pulled out the duster, which looks like a big red bird. I hate Mr. Duster. He makes me ruffle my feathers!"

Sexy beach chick is also a naughty bird.

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Friday, April 20, 2007

I'm Too Sexy For My Novel

jane austen paris hiltonWill the real hot writer step forward ...


NPR reports that Christie's is auctioning a portrait of Jane Austen, but some scholars on locarb hallucinogenic diets experts have expressed doubts as to the authenticity of the subject portrayed:

Some skeptics have argued that the short hair and empire-waist dress weren't stylish until Austen, who was born in 1775, was much older. They say that the young girl in the painting is just too pretty to be the author of Pride and Prejudice.


joe francis mugshot Ya know, I wish I were still doing graduate coursework in literature, because inquiring minds want to know: just what exactly is too pretty to write a crappy porn screenplay that you sell to millions without any literary redemeeing value novel? What's more, who are these skeptics? Joe Francis? Mayhaps the panel of judges at South Beach Best Butt contest?

Now mind you, after sitting through week-long doctoral exams that got all medieval on my ass, I must say, academics are no better at judging beauty than a Tennessee pig who suddenly sniffs out truffles in Provence. That being said, however, my closeted gay Victorian literature professor probably had higher esteem of woman's worth than Joe Francis.

As a writer who happens to possess a vagina, I'm so comforted by the heartwarming fact that repressive 18th century England was just as vapid and superficially judgdemental as South Beach in the 21st century. Because you know, a pussy attached to a cute face that happens to have a skill or two at wordsmithing couldn't possibly be real!

jean rhys I suppose I'm going to have to scratch Welsh-descended/Caribbean-born Jean Rhys off my list as one of the most brilliant writers of all time because she was too HOT and far too drunken wild to author a novel as seminal as Wide Sargasso Sea!

So you heard me right, my gorgeous posse, give up blogging NOW. Remain proudly hononymous! Geez, if I knew a few yous were so ugly, I'd at least expect a chapter in my nephew's college comp 101 primer! Tsk, tsk ...


Oh no, I tell a lie ... I truly do ... here is the truth: instead of pretending we're not good enough because we don't know if we're pretty enough, we choose to be GIRLS GONE WILD WRITING ...

The manifesto: ladies, take pornographic relish in your writing ventures, go crazy, unabashed, be wanton, take risks, breathe heavily, live deeply, sexually, real and honest through your writing. Trust your voice: trust it like a reliable orgasm! Above all, don't let any so-called skeptics influence your relationship between the woman and the writer; they are intertwined -- your beauty is your writing and your writing is your beauty.

Alas, Charlotte Bronte, like her Brit-lit musty encyclopedic counterpart Jane, must've been quite fugly. Otherwise, there'd be no mad woman in the attic to have inspired Jean Rhys, her novel's legacy ... So imagine a world where Jane Austen and Charlotte Bronte listen to Christina Aguilera on You Tube ... would it have been so impossible to communicate? Would we be drinking rosé on the rocks and saying "fuck you" to the world and writing to our heart's content?

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Thursday, April 12, 2007

Citylink: Porn the One You Love

manola randy spears exxxotica
For this month's sex and relationships column at Citylink, I covered the Exxxotica sex convention in Miami Beach on March 31st. Even if porn isn't your "cup of squirt," surely you'll be titillated by vibrating gloves, prostate massagers, behind-the-scenes talk with hot porn stars like Randy Spears and so much more!
"... had just discussed the pleasures of masturbation with me, even mentioning a friend who had married his own hand. And so it seemed like destiny that ..."
So what are you waiting for? IT'S TOTALLY SAFE FOR WORK!

Go read and come back y'all for some not-so-naughty photographs and memories of Exxxotica 2006. Just make sure to wash your hands first, ok?

exxxotica miami beach photos by locarbhidlavor

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Ay Papi!

This is so perfect for Miami ...

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Wednesday, April 11, 2007

A Ho By Any Other Name

separated at birth

Dear Don Imananus,

While I abhor your use of the word "ho" in an insulting context against "nappy headed" female athletes, I'd like you to consider that the following alternatives to your shock jock speech -- "trollops with unwashed tresses," "wanton hussies with unkept hair," or "harlots with hoary skulls" -- are just as insulting.

It's not what you say, it's how you say it.

Still, I don't think you should be fired unless Donald Trump says so. But getting a prostate massage with porcupine hide might do you wonders. And for pete's sake, do something about your hair! It's so seventies!

More at Burnettiquette.

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Saturday, April 07, 2007

Steelclit: South Beach Vagina Cream

dr annie steelclit cigar sex and the beach
Disclaimer: the following is not intended as professional medical advice, although it may make you laugh as humor is, after all, the best medicine.

In this the first of hopefully many "Ask Dr. Steelclit" installments, we attempt to answer actual search engine queries that have tricked hapless and unsuspecting visitors into our seductive lair. Don't ever say we don't aim to please!


"I Googled South Beach Vagina Cream and found your site. Have you heard of it?" -- Itching in the UK

Hmm ... no, actually I've never heard of it, unless you mean "cream" as a verb and I'm pretty sure you don't. While there are many OTC products available for vaginal conditions such as yeast infections, none exist that specifically address the condition of South Beach. Perhaps some greedy pharmaceutical company should seize the potential to sell this snake oil to millions of gullible tourists. In any case, here in the land of sun and fun such a cream would have to satisfy many women's needs.

miami fever bikini sex and the beachCamel toe or moose knuckle?

South Beach Vagina Cream should ...

... help women who suffer from fat vagina to lose all hoochie blubber in a matter of hours, eliminating the need for liposuction. No longer will you have to wear a tent dress because of embarrasing moose knuckle!

... on the opposite spectrum, cure all skinny bitches once and for all of equally embarrasing camel toe! What's up with giving your vagina a wedgie? Are you a world-class competitor in Extreme Tight Pants? Is your vagina a black hole Hoover vacuum cleaner trying to suck in the rest of the universe?

... act as gentle, waterproof lube and nuclear-powered spermicide.

... serve as a convenient disinfectant seat wipe to avoid contagion from someone else's icky cooties. (See South Beach Miniskirt Crisis.)

... cure untimely yeast infections acquired by wearing a wet bikini for a prolonged periods of time. How can you screw the cute bartender if your twat hurts?

... when applied directly to the forehead, provide user with instant gaydar.

... provide instant vaginal reguvination to old hags so they can bang a hot gigolo. Adverse effects: causes vagina belonging to gold digging bimbo who stole old hag's first husband to become as loose and undesirable as his dignity.

... in case of date gone bad, offer women mild orgasms with just a thin application to the surface of the vulva. Upon return from a visit to the ladies room, all you'll hear is Harry Connick Jr. seductively crooning instead of your date incessantantly blathering about the Marlins, his dumb ass job and his evil ex-wife.

... instantly rid all vaginal, perineal and anal surfaces of sand after a romp on the beach, leaving you with a clean, fresh feeling.

I'm no marketing expert, but it seems to me that this product would benefit a great deal from viral marketing. Ladies who lurk here, can you think of other wonderful applications for the wondrous South Beach Vagina Cream?


"Do we need to wash after intercourse?" -- Scruffy in Sacramento

Hell yeah, girlfriend! Kick his lazy fat ass out of bed and make him do the dishes!

"I need to know how to make my thong not stink." -- Odorous in Ireland

Two things: a) Don't wear one. b) Fucking wash it!

"Do thongs cause wedgies?" -- Confused in Cincinnati

This question is redundant. A THONG IS BY ITS VERY NATURE A WEDGIE.

"Is my neighbor a velociraptor?" -- Terrified in Tallahassee

This is not a sex related question. However, if your neighbor looks like Sobesaurus and drives a Bentley, haul ass!

sobesauraus maneater paris hilton miami beach sex and the beach

Sobesaurus by Manola. Bikini babe with ambiguous crotch bump courtesy of the bokehlicious Miami Fever.

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